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Sometime Ago During My Unhappy Season
In the Sea of Challenges with a Broken Mast.
Growing up we are taught what success looks like. Not so long ago, I thought my life was picture perfect and that everything was going according to plan. It all seemed to be in place: the picket fence, the dog, a happy marriage and a great job.
I had obtained my IT degree and had completed the Microsoft certifications in record time. In my field, I had the opportunity to work with ingenious, resourceful minds. I loved my job supporting networking systems for corporate companies.
I was unstoppable meeting deadlines, working long hours, rolling out hardware upgrades to accommodate the latest and greatest software implementations. It was a fast-paced field full of fast-paced people.
And of course, at the time I was perfectly happy. Sure, I was a little stressed and a lot underweight, often feeling sad and always very tired, as I rode the 5:20am train to work every morning. At the time I was too wrapped up in my “success” to see that my picture perfect life was frayed around the edges.
I had left me with no time to enjoy life’s important moments. I had made my work a priority and in a sense an escape route.
I was living an unbalanced life, and something had to give. What finally gave was my body. The stress of juggling family responsibilities, an unwanted divorce, and a stressful job brought on fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, and heavy depression. I was experiencing a glorious burnout. Extreme flare-ups and symptoms would often stop me from living the house. Eventually, I grew tired of the work I was doing and finally I gave up my job.
This was the beginning of what, at the time, seemed the end. My dreams had come crushing down. My home, my heart and my body were broken. During those days I would retrace my steps and try to identify what had gone wrong. How could I have failed so miserably? How did I get myself here? Most important how would I get myself out of here?
I felt deeply sad, frustrated and more often than not I feared my life was passing me by. Thoughts about the future would paralyze me with fear. I was experiencing the darkest night of the soul in super action, except I was no super woman.
My whole life I had focused on what I needed to do and got the job done. That was the only way I knew how to operate in life and now life had stopped. I had tried my best and I had failed. I knew I didn’t want to continue down the road I was traveling but I didn’t know what I wanted. I had no sense of direction. I had lost my purpose.
I remember the night sitting on the sofa with my 11-year-old girl when I realized how hard I had pushed myself to burnout and that I now was sick and very stuck. Illness was keeping me constantly a prisoner of the pretty house. What made it worse was the fear of not knowing how to get out of that stuckness.
Also, I remember, looking at my daughter that night realizing this was not the way I wanted her to remember me, not how I wanted her to grow up and this was not the life I wanted her to have. I had to change that. I had to do something about that.
I remember in that moment, something amazing happened that became my turning point. In that moment I made a choice. I was not going to tolerate what was going on any more. I told myself… “Enough is enough. This ends here and it ends now.” I’d had enough of being sick, enough of being tired, enough of being sad and enough of being broken.
I was ready for radical change. I didn’t know what shape that change would take yet, but I knew I was not willing to put up with the same old mess any longer. I had to figure out another way of being and I made a decision to adopt a new attitude.
If you made it this far and would like to read the current chapter… Where I am today… continue to Part III
I’m a personal coach with an enthusiastic and fearless outlook. I know that life is more than our situations and circumstances. It is my mission to get you from where you are to where you want to be.
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